Life Under the Radar

I'm one of those people that has a hard time opening up to people. I'm also an introvert and an only child. Early on, probably partially due to moving a lot, I learned to keep to myself. You don't get hurt if you don't get to know people or talk to them.

Even now, with as many people as I know and like, I often feel really alone. I will get asked to stuff, but not all the time. Sometimes, it feels like not enough. And when I invite people to things, few ever show up and the people I really want to attend don't bother even looking at the invitation. I'd rather at least have a no.

So, I end up getting let down. A lot. And it sucks.

Too often I am- or feel that I am- overlooked, ignored, and unliked. Even when I try to start to change, nothing changes. Then, people get busy and things start and there's no time to really get with people because they live too far.

It gets lonely in the Sahara.

Most people never really understand what it's like to be an Eponine. Not all of us are shot at the barricades like our patron saint. Most of us still have to deal with day to day life. And it's not all wooing after Marius. There's the things we're never invited to. There's the times we're overlooked for something.

I'm not the type of person to just go up to someone and say, "hey, it bothers me that you won't even say one little thing." No, I'm not pointing fingers. I'm just rambling.

♫Girls like me aren't hard to find
We grow like roses on the vine....
And if you somehow love us back
We think there's something wrong with that♫

Birthday Blues

My birthday is less than two months away. My plan last year for this birthday was don’t plan anything cause you’ll only get disappointed.


As of late, that’s pretty much how I’ve felt about my birthday and trying to do anything- I end up getting disappointed. Barely, if anyone, shows up. Okay, last year there was a good crowd of roughly ten-ish for the movie we went to. The year before, only person who didn’t live at the duplex showed up for a grand total of three guests.

Yeah, my birthdays can be rather disappointing at times.

I like having a something for my birthday. Dinner, movie, whatever. I like occasionally getting gifts or cards and making my amazon birthday wishlist. I like having an excuse for cake. I like getting to hang out with people that I like.   But, again, not a whole lot of people tend to come. Even when I am co-hosting a party, I'm pretty sure most people come because of the co-host and not me. And no, this isn't a pity party and not it isn't always true. But it's been pretty evident in previous year's birthdays. Yes, they were fun parties. Yes, I enjoyed and was grateful for the people who showed up. But, alas, most were guests of the other person with a limited number of mutual guests.   I know I'm not an outgoing person. I'm always the shy one and often feel rather overlooked. No, this isn't always true. It just feels like it is.   Will I do something for my birthday? Probably. Maybe. I would simply because I want to do something and would be more disppointed in not doing something.   Will a lot of people (ie, a good chunk of the people I invite and definately more than 15) come? Probably not. If they do, I'll be INSANELY surprised.    Is this a good year for a surprise party/dinner/whatever? Oh yeah. Speaking of which. My birthday (September 30) is on a Monday, so the Saturday before would be a great day. I'll be working all day (til 6:15). The following Saturday I will hopefully be at FenCon and am more than willing to miss some of the evening's activities if you wanted to steal me away. Oh, and FenCon is in Addison.    And don't get me wrong; I've had some good birthdays. Last year's FINALLY getting to seee Serenity in the theatre on my birthday (it opened September 30th 2005) was great and I love the people who came and were glad they were there. I even had a theatre full of people singing 'happy birthday' to me, wchich is something you don't always get. The year I turned 26 (aka- the birthday I had pnuemonia and didn't know it) was fun even though Tia's closed it required a last minute venue change to a restaurant I now love- El Guapo's. An an evening at the pink flamingo lounge (which I'd love to redo sometime since a good chunk of people I know now I didn't then) was a fun idea that I'd love to expound on. Turning 30 was good too. Turning 16.... well I didn't have a sweet 16 if that's what your asking. I suppose that's why I dream of a dance party.     At this point, I suddenly have no urge to plan anything. I may just stick to dinner at El Guapo's on the day of, if I'm not working late (there's always that possibility and I'd get off at 8:15) and partaking in my annual tradition of listening to Green Day's Wake Me Up When September Ends so that the songs ends just as October begins. Truthfully, Green Day is the only thing that's planned.   ♫She's thirty-three this time around♫

Time of the Season

Repeat after me:
Drum corps is NOT marching band.

Again:
Drum corps is NOT marching band.

Alright, now that we've gotten that out of our systems, we can go onto bigger and better things. Tomorrow is the best, recurring Thursday of the summer: DCI Denton Day! Can't you just tell that I'm excited?! Several corps from all around come down and put on a really great show. And, thankfully, I'm within walking distance of a high school where one usually stays so I can go and hang out and watch them practice while working on some crochet projects.

So, what is drum corps you might ask? Well, as mentioned, it's NOT marching band. It is, according to the Drum Corps International (DCI) website, "marching's major league." It includes drums, brass, and colourguard. Sorry woodwinds.

November usually brings auditions for corps. You travel to the designated place, audition over the course of a weekend, then go home. There may be multiple auditions at different places depending on the corps. Me, my audition was in March in a band hall in Lewisville. My corps is in Milwaukee. Anyway. November is the first camp. You return, once a month, from December through April. Technically, May is a regular camp too, but it can be associated with move-ins too, which happens Memorial Day weekend. If I remember correctly.

So, from Memorial Day weekend until the early middle of August (around the 10th or so), you travel, perform, and practice elaborate shows. You'll also be competing against other corps in your class. Back in my day (which is very weird to say), there were three divisions- I, II, III. Div I were the "big" corps; II were smaller and generally local; III was pretty much local and only performed on weekends or not as much. Some organizations are big enough to house all three levels. Div III was the youngest kids at maybe 8-12; Div II was 12 -15 or 16; Div III was 16 to 21, which is the overall age limit. Then you teach or go to alumni corps. But, I digress. Now, there's just World Class (Div I) and Open Class (everybody else).

Days are long. You sleep in buses and gym floors. Everyone usually slept in the same room with a gender side. We always had the snare line right smack dab in the middle, their sleeping bags in the line they marched in, as the dividing line. Yeah, it's rough. We'd do a show, pack the truck up with instruments and uniforms, maybe have some down time with a snack as we waited on scores, then left on towards the next place, sleeping the miles away in the bus. We'd get a little floor time and then start the day over.

Mornings, we had a run and stretching. Then, breakfast and get ready for the day. Then practice. During early rehearsals, we'd have a marching block to learn the show, sectionals to learn the music, then more marching with instruments that may or may not include playing. As the season went on, it was more on perfecting the show. And never be surprised if the staff suddenly decided to change an entire number. On a show day. And you had to remember the new stuff that night.

But, in the end, it was really rather worth it. I"ve gotten to march some cool stadiums like in Indianapolis and Denver. I got to do something that most people probably never will. I know a girl from college who didn't get to though she had a spot. I'm glad I got my one season as a rook-out (someone who's both a rookie and age-out). I'd rather that than none or some other season. To this day, I mention that I"m happy I didn't have to do three parades on 4th of July.

I remember, many many moons ago, sitting in a dorm room watching drum corps videos. One of the guys said, "wouldn't it be cool if we all marched next year?" When we were at the San Antonio show, I was walking to put my uniform up when his drumline, all in formation, walked by to go and take the field. He gave me a head nod, and I returned it. Most of the guys who'd been sitting in his dorm room that night were on that line. The only other one was in a different corps and I'd seen him and another linemate then too.

So, in the future, you should go see a drum corps show. Dallas is coming up soon too.

Oh, and if you want extra brownie points from me, my birthday is in September and I REALLY want the world championship CD's for EACH year from 2002 to 2012. I'll want 2013 when it comes out too. And the videos would be nice. Blu-Ray is fine. But I REALLY want the CD's. Or, maybe, take me to the big screen show on August 8th. It's air conditioned and you can watch too!

Since I can't find a video of me marching (hey, it was 2002), I'll leave you with the Cavaliers from that year. This segment still gives me goosebumps (and why I'd like the videos too). Cavaliers 2002 Fight Club

And Carolina Crown performing Ben Folds' "Time" is here

Alright, so you don't see me in this, but trust me, I"m there. 2002 Milwaukee Circus Parade And, sadly, I had NO idea that was Custer's march until, oh, right now. And I played that song sooo much.

Well, off to listen to stuff.

So, as many of you know, my roommate's been out of town for a bit now. Her total absence will be 10 days. While, yes, it's been nice having the place to myself for an extended time, there are certain things that I've learned; or at least had reiterated.

I really shouldn't live alone.
Really, I shouldn't. Though I may lean towards introvert tendencies, I really need to be around people. I know a lot of that has to do with gas right now, but in the long run I just need to be around someone. Even for a few minutes.

While, yes, I can "enjoy the silence" (hey, I'm an only child, I do this well), I can't do this for too long a period.

I'm not a person to go out and seek company
I'm just not. I tried. I failed. I didn't try anymore. Not for feeling like a failure, but just not being the type to go out and try seeking people a lot. This is something I really need to work on. It just didn't work too well over the past few days.

On the other hand, I did get to go to a party, which was great since I got to see a lot of people I like there.

And puppies. Can't forget the puppies.

I'm not a talkative person in big groups
In the aforementioned party, I didn't say a lot when I was in a larger group. However, as the night wore on and I was sitting in a group of 3 or 4 around the dinner table, I opened up more. The group tended to change like the topics, but I still talked more then. Not something I can really explain other than I feel a little more comfortable. Or at least enough to talk more. And that's not to say I didn't feel comfortable around everyone else because, believe me, I feel WAY comfortable around them. I just work better in small groups. Someday, I'll do better in a bigger group. I just have to work up to that.

Only Children

     I've been thinking a lot about siblings lately. I'm one of the few people I know who's an only child. Actually, my neighbor is the only other only child I can ever even think of offhand though I'm sure there's at least one or two more out there.

     I’ll be the first to say, I hate being an only child.

     When things happen, you’re the only one. The inevitable-and then some- will happen with parents and it often feels like there’s no one close to help you; you often feel like you’re just standing there, lost and alone. When the dust settles, you're all that's left.

     There’s no one to share inside jokes or fight with. There's no "sibling time" at events or hanging out.
     And as far as siblings go, I’ve never wanted anything more than a big brother. No sisters, nothing younger.

     I have cousins, of course. My closest cousins in age are all boys. The oldest, if I remember correctly, are about 2 and 4 years older while the youngest are 7 and about 8 or 9 years my junior. It takes more than a decade either way to find a female cousin. But, somehow, cousins aren’t the same things as siblings. Not really.

     When you move to another state for the first time, and any subsequent time after, they don’t move with you. They may be involved with the scars on your leg- hey, little kids will follow the bigger ones; but they won’t be at home with you to laugh it off later or tell stories of it around the table years later when you haven’t spoken in nearly a decade. And when things happen of which you may never speak to others, they won’t be there to hold your hand and let you cry. Those are the times I really long for the siblings I never had.

     There are a few people I’ve met over the past few years I look up to like the brothers my only child heart always wanted but never had. But, truthfully, I can never find the words to say such things straight to their face. I’m scared. I’m afraid they’d never understand. I’m afraid they’d look down at me. That last reason keeps me from saying and doing a lot actually.

     If you have siblings, go give them a hug and hold on tight. They are things of goodness and people to hang onto in the future. As the song says, "they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future."

Sometimes We Break

     I’m a performer. For four months of my life, I give up my weekends to go and perform and learn how to be better at what I do. It’s my second year doing this and I love what I do. I’ve had a tough time figuring out where I fit in the scheme of things this year. First year was full of learning new things and getting adjusted to the performance side as opposed to the audience. I still want to be here and I still love doing what I do and I’m far from quitting. I love the people and all they bring. Second year seems full of things that are easier, yet harder. I know more what to expect and what’s expected of me. Yet, finding my place and ways to be better are harder.

     This past Sunday broke me. It’s going to take some time to fix the pieces. I’ve had a lot of self-doubts this year as both a person and a performer and Sunday they all came to a head. I know I could have gone home. Truthfully, I didn’t because I know I would have wound up on the couch or wandering through my place crying and alone. I’m off three days in a row this week and I know I’m going to do enough of that then. Sometimes you just need other people there for a few hugs and a few words and maybe a dance or two. Tomorrow, I’ll curl up on the couch and read and watch TV in between the tears. Maybe I’ll see if I can get a three musketeers bar and some sour cream and onion ruffles. I’ll put on the music that helps and I’ll go from there.

     I’m a musical creature. Certain moments in time or in our lives are defined by songs and lyrics. These are the things we quote to help get us through moments. They are the best expressions of what we are feeling in ways we can’t really explain otherwise. My soundtrack at the moment includes the following songs, amongst others:

“In My Life” from Les Miserables

“Hold On” by Sarah McLachlan

“Seven-Nine Central” by Courtney Fairchild from the Right Here album

Evita the American Premier Recording (I’m a sucker for Mandy Patinkin’s Che)

     Though the situations are different and the genders aren’t always the same as in some of the songs I choose, they somehow are comforting. I can listen and cry as need be. Then maybe I’ll start being a little better. Sometimes it helps to get it out and move from there.

*

     And now, some vague-posting because sometimes you just can’t say things face to face and the written word is more eloquent; or at least a little bit better sounding than what could/would have been said. Or I’m just too scared to say it face to face.

I know you know why. And when someone said I was fine- I wasn't; but I wasn't going to say anything, especially with other people around. You already know I have stock answers for things. All I really wanted was a decent hug and maybe a few words.

You do really well at just being a friend. You’re pep talks work too, even if you don’t think so.

You’re really well at patron interactions. I know it’s not what you usually do, but when you do, you do well.

The two of you are some of the very few people who would call my bluff are some things. You are also two of the only people who I’d allow to do that. For that, I am grateful.

Thanks for the flowers. They made the weekend a little brighter.

Seasons of the Faire

Tonight, as I prepare for dress rehearsals and Friend of Faire, I think ahead to the last Friday in May. I think about not having to get ready for a weekend of crazy yet fun times for the first time in months. I think of getting to sleep in on Saturday, even if I may be working. I think of coming home on Saturday night from work and chilling on my front porch, watching the sun set, listening to cars pass and letting the dark settle in. I think of sleeping in on Sunday morning and having a day free of stuff.

But, I also think of every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday between now and then. I think of all the magic that will happen. I think of all the stories that we'll eventually be telling in the future. I think of the stories that will become myths and things we are famous for. I think of all the people we'll meet and things we'll do between now and then. I think of all the great people I'll get to work with. I think of all the great times.

That first Friday of being free after four months of getting ready for the weekend still seems far off. But, I don't really mind so much in the end.

It's all worth it.

♫Will you remember me,
Every season of the faire?♫