Cuteness, Trust, and Other Random Ramblings of a Wednesday Afternoon

Today I started ready to go out for the evening. I'm running errands beforehand, so I started getting ready fairly early. Besides, traffic can be a beast.

So, I'm wearing a shirt I don't wear often because I forget about it and don't always think it looks well on me, so I glanced in the full length mirror to see how I looked. I thought, "wow, I look cute."

I don't often feel this way. I grew up feeling that whenever someone said they thought I was pretty or cute they were lying. They were always leaving something off. Like, "you're pretty (but you need to loose weight)." "You'd be prettier if you wore makeup." "You'd be pretty if you wore more girlie clothes." I felt like I was being continuously compared with other girls who were skinner, prettier, smarter.

Weight has always been a "problem" with me. I remember going to doctors when I was little to see about loosing. I got the lines about more exercise from my parents along with bribes. I got told again and again about remembering the summer I lost weight and I should do that again. Or reminded that I've gained weight in the few months I've been home from being away all summer. I didn't get this just in my formative and teen years. I got it well into my 20's and early 30's.

I, like so many, have all those voices in my head telling me that it's not okay to be me. That I'm not pretty and never will be. I had actual voices tell me to not see "those people" because they didn't like me. They didn't think like me so I shouldn't listen to anything people with different beliefs said, even if they were friends. But these were the voices that never stopped to hear what I really had to say in the first place. If they would've listened, they would have realized I wasn't the person they wanted me to be in the first place.

In spring of most likely 2011, I remember standing in the lanes of the High Road at Scarborough Faire telling myself that, as much as I wanted to- or even might want to as this was something I liked doing- I would never audition to become a member of Scarborough Faire. Most know the end of this story. I didn't listen to the voices. Eventually I gave in and tried.

It was hard as it was telling people. I was afraid of what they'd say. I was afraid of them too saying no. But I took the chance anyway. I can honestly say, I'm glad I did. I'm glad I tried and told people and conquered my fears. I found a group that likes me for me. They don't care about my weight or tell me to go exercise. I've gotten to where I enjoy doing certain sports that I never tried before now.

I found a group of people that I enjoy being around. I don't tell them this as much as I should. I don't tell them that several I look at as the brothers I never had but always wanted. I don't tell the person whose parenting skills I admired that I want to grow up and be like her and several other women because my mother was never even close to them and I look to them like a better mother than I'll ever have.

Even though it's been years that I've been here, it's hard for me to trust people or let them in. I'm always afraid of what they'd say. I'm always afraid that they wouldn't like me anymore. A lot of days I feel like the onion nobody wants instead of a parfait; I mean, really, everybody likes parfaits right? It's not that I don't want to trust people, I just haven't gotten to that point where I'll let myself trust people.

I suppose there is really no point to this rather long post, other than just letting a few things out. I need to stop holding things in so much. Off to the races of things to do before I go out this evening.