I'm an Eponine; Just Deal with It

The sign itself was seen in a graveyard in a movie, but it really is true most days.

"Denton: Home of Happiness" it read. Four little words that mean a lot to many of us here, in a town really called Denton.

These days, I feel more sad, lonely, and left out than anything. I can't really explain it- or any of my other feelings really- because like the Facebook meme says, I don't really know what's going on myself.

I just feel lost I think. I don't really know who to turn to. I mean, the people I would have haven't responded to Facebook messages. Yay for feeling ignored.

Tonight I went out to see some friends play music at a coffeehouse here in town. Denton has lots of places like that. I couldn't help but feel a part of my crazy, eccentric, little town. It really is a fun place to live and the only place that's felt like home to me for the better part of the last couple of decades (actually, just about 20 years ago was when I first visited UNT and knew this is where I belonged; 1995 I think it was).

That feeling let me know there was life beyond my crappy job. It would be alright if it wasn't for that person. We've all had people like her. She's nice to just your face. She's always late. I actually know she makes fun of me behind my back and doesn't like me. I really just need to get away from the negativity.

Work also says they won't work with my school schedule; which is a lie. I only work part-time. So why can't they work around my school schedule? Apparently I needed to "ask for permission" to attend school. Really?! Why? I mean, they already say I have to do this just to get another job. Seriously. I have to ask for permission to get a second job. I'm an adult and they're treating me like a kid. They could totally work around my schedule, they just don't want to because I already ask for faire.

So yeah. I really need to leave.

Now stress is starting to get high. Not only do I have to look for money for school, but I need to find a new job. I want to do some sort of crowd funding type thing to help get me started so I have extra time to look for a loan. I'm just scared that no one will help. I mean, this week it's been nothing but avoided Facebook messages. I feel like no matter how hard I try or how big I yell, I'm not going to get noticed. I feel really out of place.

Like I said, I feel lost.

I need a miracle.

Time for Scooby-Doo. Time to cry since I realize it was stupid to think they'd come. Thanks for not responding. You're part of why I'm crying.

I tried. Really. I did. I sent messages and invites. But nobody answered. I mean, I know what you're thinking, things will change. I'm here to say they won't because they haven't; they never have. I just really feel like things won't change or get better. Because no matter how positive I try to be and know others have it worse or have worse things going on, my own issues don't get resolved.

I know you're thinking or saying too that maybe I need to change. If I really could or had, do you really think I'd be here writing this? I mean, seriously, I try. Sometimes I just need someone to let me cry and yell and vent. But I'm incapable of asking because I can't find the right words at the right time for the right people without feeling like I'm coming off weird  Or they don't answer their Facebook messages. Or I don't have their phone numbers. And I have to pay for every test that comes in AND goes out. 

I'm an Eponine. Things don't go good. They just go sour.

I'm seriously at that point where I really believe that if I ran away, no would care much less notice.

None of this is written to get attention. This is written because this is how I feel. I don't feel like I can really say stuff to people with out them taking it the wrong way.

Age, Fear, and Other Things

I'm a musical creature. Like a recent Facebook meme says, "if you can't deal with me busting out into song about what we're talking about, you can't be my friend." Or at least something like that. And you can still be my friend. Even if you don't get the song references.

Anywho. For years, different ages have had songs. I know there are those "mythical" ages where big things happen. But, to some extent, people have their own, individual "mythical" ages. Some examples of my age songs are:

"Drinking in L.A." by Bran Van 3000,
What the hell am I doing drinking in L.A. at 26

"Middle Ground" by Mary Chapin Carpenter for my current age,
She's 33 this time around

And the song that's the cause for my big birthday, "Club Cherry Bomb" by John Mellencamp
Seventeen has turned thirty-five

What I mean by "mythical" age is that age that just seems like you're going to have everything figured out. Or maybe it's just some number that you think will be amazing. You may not have things figured out by that age. It could be the suckiest year ever. But maybe things will work out. You never know. For a friend, it was 27. For me, like I said, it's 35. It just always sounded like a lovely age I suppose. I know age really isn't anything but a number that signifies how long you've been lucky enough to be alive.

I turn 35 in just under a year and half. I'm not scared of this age I've looked forward to for years. I'm thinking I should start setting goals for this age. I've already, in a sense, starting heading towards a better life by then.

Fear is something we all deal with. Especially when making a big change or doing something we really want to do. It's always a giant leap and personally, I hate heights. I don't like flying because I'm so far from the ground. To this day, I will never fly on a plane with the numbers 815 or 316 because of Lost.

But today, I did jump off the proverbial cliff and applied to- and was accepted- to massage school.

I'm scared half to death. I'm scared of never finding the bottom. I'm scared of not being able to accomplish the goal at hand. But I suppose that's what jumping is all about; taking that chance just to see where you'll land. As my roommate says about my Faith poppet, "sometimes you just need a little Faith."

And so with faith I go. Because that's about all I've got right now. But faith, like hope, is a good thing.