freaking out, again

yeah, so i'm totally freaking out about scarby auditions. a little over five months away! i'm. fraking. scared.

this will be the norm in reference to this. the more i hear, the more i want to be part of it, yet the more freaked out about auditions i become.

why i want to be on scarby cast

i may start posting some things here so as to write more than what i can on my lj account on account of a person there. i kinda need to edit more there because of mentioning him and other people that he knows. or stuff i just don't want him to know. now. or ever. or yet.

here's one such post.

why i want to join the scarby cast

there's a certain magic about the cast of scarby. admittedly, i've been spoiled by them the past two seasons. this year especially. i really want to share that magic with others. i want them never wanting to leave or not being able to contain their excitment upon return visits. i want them to get season passes and friend of faire tickets. i was told several times one day that i was missed. i want patrons to feel that. to know that. to have fun in the lanes with a crazy cast of characters.

i'm ready to cross that line.

how long til january?

in which we are driven crazy by the writer and her insane need to leave her residence for another. plus, a song!

today is getting to be one of those days i wished i were elsewhere. sunday at church was like this too. it's just one of those things. summers make me feel that way anyway. but now, i feel like i just need to be collecting on my happiness or something along those lines.

sometimes, i think you just have to give fate a little push. i know i should be praying, which i am, but when the phone isn't ringing and no one is even admitting you're applying there, it's really hard not to. but, since i got a scholarship for doula training, it's like, that's where i'm supposed to be right now. back home in a great little town that isn't where i live right now. if only i could move there now and get a place to stay. too bad no one i know has a room for free in exchange for light housework and cooking.

when i was working the delic at a grocery store, there was this song i got really annoyed at cause they played it way too much. i remember the chorus:

i gotta back,
i do i do.
i gotta get back,
i do i do i do.

i really should go find that song. off i go then.

summer time dci blues

do you ever wonder if you made the right decisions in life? or rather, what would have happened if you went another way? it's not really a question of regret, but of what if?

me, i was just thinking, what if i had gone to play bass with the troopers and not plates (aka cymbals) with pioneer? wyoming that i know nothing about or milwaukee where we flipped off the planes from gen. mitchell airport and i flew over the land when i left.

first off, i wouldn't have know all the people i knew.

second, i wouldn't have known the one person i really don't like from that summer (hey, i really did have a dream about her where i beat her up and others had to restrain us!).

third, i wouldn't have quite the same memories.

i suppose it's something i shouldn't dwell on. hey, i got to do corps, which is something a lot of people never get to do. i even got to impress a coworker. right now, it's probably me just reminiscing and missing summers traveling and wanting to be out touring or something.

it's a summer i'll never forget. i've still got the scars to prove i was there. i even got the jacket and the memories. i should really put up those age out pics. i still remember this one night, probably in the fall, sitting in someone's room at bruce hall watching corps videos and getting in trouble for them being too loud.

rich he said, "wouldn't it be cool if we all marched next summer?"

yeah rich, it really was cool when we all did.

so, i'm sitting here with a broken heart. if that's even possible. my heart's been broken so badly, nothing can really and truly fix it. it's gonna take the best of Heaven to do so. but, i stopped believing long ago that it ever will. after countless guys, and watching two of them get married two weeks apart, it's really no wonder. two years gone by and still, i can't get over that boy henry. celebrated eleven months last week. two years ago it started. had to watch and not say anything. like it really would have helped anyway. that's when i stopped believing in love, when they started falling in love. and i still haven't cried.

now, of course, there's another i like. it happened after the obligatory rebound guy. this new guy, i already was getting a clue he liked someone else. now, she's moving half way across the country- from cali- to be here. i know it's for him. like i couldn't see that one coming. she'll be around him everyday for a month and i won't because i live too bloody far away and don't have a single thing planned this month. first time this year that that's happened. i can't even believe that there will be a chance. that's too hard. it takes too much effort. and i just can't fight anymore.

besides, how can i beat moving half way across the country?

welcome to the great lawn of life

welcome! i'm so glad you could make it out to our little corner of the world! here, all are welcome and greatly enjoyed. let me give you a tour.

in this area are the medieval and renaissance. note the "huzzahs!," jousts, and music. it's all good fun here. i love the outfits. same for victorian era and the flappers. hippies, beats, and 60's counterculture gets their own area too. come along, more to see.

here, we meet the rockers, the punks, and the alternative music crowd. next to them, is the new age. then broadway and soundtracks. there's even swing, blues, and other great music to dance to. see, they're getting ready to dance at the shotgun palace, just up the hill.

now we come to the library. very large and always expanding. always a variety, too. the favourites are on the top shelve. the steinbecks are in the doc marten's box in the corner.

next is the movie area. another large variety. we're still working on the james bond collection. we'll see how the ebay bids go.

this is the area where we write. everything from fan fics to musicals and plays.

we come now to the tv area. we have everything from drama to comedy to sci-fi and more.

here's the great lawn dining table. we always have good fare from all over.

here's where my friends always hang out. we're always telling stories, playing games, singing songs, dancing, and just living life in general.

and now, we've come full circle to my lawn chair. i always have a pina colada and snickerdoodles on my side table and a few flamingos to give me company. hope you've enjoyed your short tour. we'll be exploring the place more and with more eloquence as time goes by. pull up a chair, have a cookie. stay for awhile.