Only Children

     I've been thinking a lot about siblings lately. I'm one of the few people I know who's an only child. Actually, my neighbor is the only other only child I can ever even think of offhand though I'm sure there's at least one or two more out there.

     I’ll be the first to say, I hate being an only child.

     When things happen, you’re the only one. The inevitable-and then some- will happen with parents and it often feels like there’s no one close to help you; you often feel like you’re just standing there, lost and alone. When the dust settles, you're all that's left.

     There’s no one to share inside jokes or fight with. There's no "sibling time" at events or hanging out.
     And as far as siblings go, I’ve never wanted anything more than a big brother. No sisters, nothing younger.

     I have cousins, of course. My closest cousins in age are all boys. The oldest, if I remember correctly, are about 2 and 4 years older while the youngest are 7 and about 8 or 9 years my junior. It takes more than a decade either way to find a female cousin. But, somehow, cousins aren’t the same things as siblings. Not really.

     When you move to another state for the first time, and any subsequent time after, they don’t move with you. They may be involved with the scars on your leg- hey, little kids will follow the bigger ones; but they won’t be at home with you to laugh it off later or tell stories of it around the table years later when you haven’t spoken in nearly a decade. And when things happen of which you may never speak to others, they won’t be there to hold your hand and let you cry. Those are the times I really long for the siblings I never had.

     There are a few people I’ve met over the past few years I look up to like the brothers my only child heart always wanted but never had. But, truthfully, I can never find the words to say such things straight to their face. I’m scared. I’m afraid they’d never understand. I’m afraid they’d look down at me. That last reason keeps me from saying and doing a lot actually.

     If you have siblings, go give them a hug and hold on tight. They are things of goodness and people to hang onto in the future. As the song says, "they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future."

Sometimes We Break

     I’m a performer. For four months of my life, I give up my weekends to go and perform and learn how to be better at what I do. It’s my second year doing this and I love what I do. I’ve had a tough time figuring out where I fit in the scheme of things this year. First year was full of learning new things and getting adjusted to the performance side as opposed to the audience. I still want to be here and I still love doing what I do and I’m far from quitting. I love the people and all they bring. Second year seems full of things that are easier, yet harder. I know more what to expect and what’s expected of me. Yet, finding my place and ways to be better are harder.

     This past Sunday broke me. It’s going to take some time to fix the pieces. I’ve had a lot of self-doubts this year as both a person and a performer and Sunday they all came to a head. I know I could have gone home. Truthfully, I didn’t because I know I would have wound up on the couch or wandering through my place crying and alone. I’m off three days in a row this week and I know I’m going to do enough of that then. Sometimes you just need other people there for a few hugs and a few words and maybe a dance or two. Tomorrow, I’ll curl up on the couch and read and watch TV in between the tears. Maybe I’ll see if I can get a three musketeers bar and some sour cream and onion ruffles. I’ll put on the music that helps and I’ll go from there.

     I’m a musical creature. Certain moments in time or in our lives are defined by songs and lyrics. These are the things we quote to help get us through moments. They are the best expressions of what we are feeling in ways we can’t really explain otherwise. My soundtrack at the moment includes the following songs, amongst others:

“In My Life” from Les Miserables

“Hold On” by Sarah McLachlan

“Seven-Nine Central” by Courtney Fairchild from the Right Here album

Evita the American Premier Recording (I’m a sucker for Mandy Patinkin’s Che)

     Though the situations are different and the genders aren’t always the same as in some of the songs I choose, they somehow are comforting. I can listen and cry as need be. Then maybe I’ll start being a little better. Sometimes it helps to get it out and move from there.

*

     And now, some vague-posting because sometimes you just can’t say things face to face and the written word is more eloquent; or at least a little bit better sounding than what could/would have been said. Or I’m just too scared to say it face to face.

I know you know why. And when someone said I was fine- I wasn't; but I wasn't going to say anything, especially with other people around. You already know I have stock answers for things. All I really wanted was a decent hug and maybe a few words.

You do really well at just being a friend. You’re pep talks work too, even if you don’t think so.

You’re really well at patron interactions. I know it’s not what you usually do, but when you do, you do well.

The two of you are some of the very few people who would call my bluff are some things. You are also two of the only people who I’d allow to do that. For that, I am grateful.

Thanks for the flowers. They made the weekend a little brighter.

Seasons of the Faire

Tonight, as I prepare for dress rehearsals and Friend of Faire, I think ahead to the last Friday in May. I think about not having to get ready for a weekend of crazy yet fun times for the first time in months. I think of getting to sleep in on Saturday, even if I may be working. I think of coming home on Saturday night from work and chilling on my front porch, watching the sun set, listening to cars pass and letting the dark settle in. I think of sleeping in on Sunday morning and having a day free of stuff.

But, I also think of every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday between now and then. I think of all the magic that will happen. I think of all the stories that we'll eventually be telling in the future. I think of the stories that will become myths and things we are famous for. I think of all the people we'll meet and things we'll do between now and then. I think of all the great people I'll get to work with. I think of all the great times.

That first Friday of being free after four months of getting ready for the weekend still seems far off. But, I don't really mind so much in the end.

It's all worth it.

♫Will you remember me,
Every season of the faire?♫

Getting to Happy

I had this interview last week, for a job in the media library downtown in the main branch of the system where I work. It's a great sounding job- working around music and dvd's, getting to do mostly reference work, and just chilling in a full-time job. 

One of the questions they asked was, "where do you see yourself in five years?" I said something to the effect of working in a music library. I don't see myself working in a library in five years, much less working so far from where I live.

I see myself still living in, or very close to, Denton. I love this town, it's quirkyness and eccentricities, and how close it is to so much, yet still retaining a small town feel. I've seen this place grow and change since I was a 14 year old freshman in high school, looking at the campus of UNT and saying that I too would walk those hallowed halls someday. Four years later, that was me and I've never looked back since. I've even said, "wow, they won't know all about this stuff" in relation to incoming students and new folks.

Ideally, I'd love a little house on a hill near the interstate where I could look down and see the lights of the city at night and listen to the hum of the traffic on the interstate, one of my favourite nighttime sounds. I'd love to have some acreage too and get into gardening. maybe can, pickle, preserve, maybe even have a root cellar.

I knit. I crochet. And maybe even do beading and quilling. Maybe I'll have finally learned how to sew and quilt too and my sewing machine has a great view of the garden. I write. Maybe I'll have finally published some great and wonderful story.

I'd love to be able to be in some job that I absolutely love and can't wait to get to work everyday. I want to, if possible, make my own schedule to some extent.

I'm probably still involved with faire and fencon and all that is fandom. I hope to be dancing more and going to bigger cons. I'd like to go back to aikido and at least become a black belt and still go on a regular basis. I'd like to have some really cool guy as a significant other. Maybe not kids yet, but adoption is always an option.

I cook a lot; at least a lot more than I do now. I have friends over. I'm more gregarious than I am now. I can actually talk back and not feel scared or like I have nothing to say or add to the conversation. I hold dancing house parties on an almost monthly basis. I have late night talks about whatever on the front porch with friends, slowly sipping on root beer out of bottles. Knowing me, I probably made it myself.

So yeah, happy. That's where I see myself five years from now.

I haven't heard back from the interview yet. I haven't heard from the other two jobs I applied for in the system. I want to have my weekends free come spring, but none of these jobs allow that. I want this to be the thing that catapults me into going back to school and eventually getting to all this stuff up there. I want this to be the thing that really gets me to happy. If that means hearing no, then fine. If it's yes and I can save, then that's fine too.

I just really want to be happy.

Is that really too much to ask?

♫give me what i deserve
cause it's my right ♫

It's a Show Day!

I stirred and woke up, wondering what town I was in now. Even in the darkness, I could sense and slightly see the drum major walk towards the door. The lights suddenly turned on, waking up the rest of the corps. 

"Good morning Pioneer!" she said. She told us where we were, that we had fifteen minutes before morning meeting and breakfast, and that today was a show day.

"It's a show day!" the red headed guard said, as she always did on such days. 

"Good morning Kendra," Nicole, another guard member, dutifully answered. 

And thus, our show day began. 

That was a typical morning on a show day. The other days were practice and show days. What were we doing?

Drum corps.

Tonight, I got to go to my show of the year, the Denton show as I call it. Ten years ago, I was one of those people, standing in the lot, playing for others. Getting up early. Practicing. Memorizing. Running. Performing. Eleven and a half minutes never flew by so quickly.

It was the summer of 2002 when I marched with Pioneer Drum and Bugle Corps out of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Pioneer is what was then referred to as a division one drum corps. These days, it's called world class. It all has to do with size. We had over a certain number of members, amongst other rules I'm sure.

The governing body of drum corps is Drum Corps International (DCI). They even call drum corps "marching's major league." In a way, it is. We all did eleven and a half minute shows on a football field. We marched, played music, and guard did flags, sabres, and rifles.

But, don't dare call it marching band. Because marching band it ain't!

Plus, there's no woodwinds. And people will get mad if you call it marching band.

freaking out, again

yeah, so i'm totally freaking out about scarby auditions. a little over five months away! i'm. fraking. scared.

this will be the norm in reference to this. the more i hear, the more i want to be part of it, yet the more freaked out about auditions i become.

why i want to be on scarby cast

i may start posting some things here so as to write more than what i can on my lj account on account of a person there. i kinda need to edit more there because of mentioning him and other people that he knows. or stuff i just don't want him to know. now. or ever. or yet.

here's one such post.

why i want to join the scarby cast

there's a certain magic about the cast of scarby. admittedly, i've been spoiled by them the past two seasons. this year especially. i really want to share that magic with others. i want them never wanting to leave or not being able to contain their excitment upon return visits. i want them to get season passes and friend of faire tickets. i was told several times one day that i was missed. i want patrons to feel that. to know that. to have fun in the lanes with a crazy cast of characters.

i'm ready to cross that line.

how long til january?